Ideas for 50 Shades of Green: A Lovecraftian Love Story

In case anybody finds this who isn’t a fan of ThatGuyWithTheGlasses, Lindsay “Nostalgia Chick” Ellis and Antonella “BFF Nella” Inserra are writing a horrible paranormal romance novel that will sell millions, inspired by the success of Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey, and the whole genre those books have unleashed unti young adult literature; you can see the genesis of their idea in three parts herehere, and here. I only know those books by reputation, but bugger it, I’m still going to put forward my thoughts (and I’m doing it this way because Twitter doesn’t give me enough space, and I don’t wish to compromise my pride and security by creating a Facebook account).

So, this is basically Twilight meets HP Lovecraft, but I still like the idea of having Roswell-type aliens in it. Here are my random ideas in no particular order.

Roswell aliens do exist, and they’re Mi-Go, or possibly Yehti. These are a race of sentient, shape-changing fungi from Pluto whose standard form is a sort of giant winged lobster, but who can also take on human form. 

The first Mi-Go arrived on Earth some time around 160,000,000 BCE, in the Jurassic Period. They formed a mighty civilisation, but their expansions brought them into conflict with the civilisation of the Elder Things in about 100,000,000 BCE. Both civilisations were massively weakened by the war, and both were later almost exterminated by the dinosaurs. The Elder Things survived in Antarctica for a time, but were eventually killed by an uprising of their shoggoth slaves. (Incidentally, shoggoths will be awesome if you want to have hentai-style tentacle sex, though come to think if it the Mi-Go would also be able to pull that off). A fragment of Mi-Go civilisation did survive in Mexico until 65,000,000 BCE, until it was obliterated by the asteroid catastrophe  that killed the dinosaurs. Bizarre fragments of Mi-Go and Elder Thing civilisation are occasionally uncovered by archaeologists, many of whom go insane from looking upon it; of those who stay sane, those that don’t cover up the findings find themselves exiled and ridiculed by their peers, and later murdered by cultists after hitting rock bottom.

Cthulhu had a falling out with His parents, Yog-Sothoth and Nagoob, when they didn’t approve of His then girlfriend Idh-yaa. Cthulhu and Idh-yaa ran away to a planet orbiting the binary star Xoth in 400,000,000 BCE; however, Their union was an unhappy one, as reality soon set in for the a couple of young Outer Gods trying to make an eternity for Themselves. Eventually, Idh-yaa kicked Cthulhu out, and He wandered the stars in loneliness, finally settling on Earth in 350,000,000 BCE. He tried to forge a new life, but couldn’t forget Idh-yaa; Hastur, Shub-Niggurath, Tsathoggua, and various other Outer Gods followed to try and console Him, but they failed, and so Cthulhu melted the ice caps, causing the sea waters to rise and trapping Him and the others in R’lyeh beneath the waves so He could sleep until the stars were right.

One of Abdul al-Hazrad‘s wives was a descendent of the Mi-Go who survived the KT-extinction event. When the mad Arab was killed, she took a copy of the Necronomicon and went into hiding. In India, she encountered Nyarlathotep, who was in the process of recruiting a cult. She didn’t realise who he was at first and began a romantic relationship with him, producing a daughter. When she discovered that Nyarlathotep was planning on sacrificing her baby, she fled again, this time to India, where she gave her part-human, part-Nyarlathotep baby and her copy of the Necronomicon to The Nine Unknown Men for safe keeping, before taking her own life to avoid the pursuit of Nyarlathotep’s cult.

The Nine Unknown Men guarded and protected the child, though she was permitted to mate in secrecy with selected humans and Mi-Go to perpetuate the bloodline. (If you want to get a bit Dan Brownish, you could probably also work in the Vatican, Jesuits, Illuminati, Templars, and/or Hashashin somehow).

Nyarlathotep was sent to Earth to revive Cthulhu and bring him home. He recruits various cults, telling the lower members that it is a simple spiritual and charitable society; only the upper echelons are aware that its true goal is to revive Cthulhu and let him loose in an orgy of blood and fire, in which they will reign alongside Cthulhu until the end of time. (So basically Nyarlathotep secretly runs the Freemasons, and also the Thuggee). What is unknown to the upper echelons, and to which only a tiny inner council of trusted nihilists are privy to, is that nobody will survive the coming of Chtulhu, not even the cultists – however, Nyarlathotep’s cadre of nihilists think this is a good idea. What even the nihilists don’t realise is that Nyarlathotep doesn’t actually give a damn about how long Cthulhu is active on Earth and what damage he might do – all he wants to do is bring him back to Yog-Sothoth and Nagoob. What even Yog-Sothoth and Nagoob are unaware of is that Nyarlathotep has no intention of bringing Cthulhu to them – rather, he wants to take for himself the power of Cthulhu and the other Outer Gods so he can overthrow Yog-Sothoth and Azathoth and thus become the new ruler of the universe. So Nyarlathotep will probably be the main villain.

During India’s colonial era, the British Raj cracked down on secret societies, and the Nine Unknown Men had to go into hiding. In the 20th century, they moved to America, and decided that the children they were guarding  would be allowed to attend school so as to get a handle on everyday human interactions. This is the origin of the ethnic third wheel – he’s an Indian human/Mi-Go hybrid with a trace of Nyarlathotep in his ancestry.

As it happens, the town they live in has an unusually high number of Mi-Go living in it, as well as a few human/Mi-Go hybrids, though they are not aware of this at first. Ethnic third wheel has an unrequited crush on our heroine, and tries to impress her with dangerous stunts.

Our heroine is a bit of a modern hippie – ie, someone who thinks crystals and organic food are neat, but shaves her body and is a fan of Starbucks and designer clothes. (She also uses all Apple products, because in my experience this type of person tends to be an Apple fan). She believes in things like fairies, vitalism, alternative medicine, and doing things ‘holistically’; this brings her into conflict with her mean old closed-minded science teacher, who dogmatically insists that logic and reason can explain everything and anything which science can’t explain is automatically false, to the point of unfairly marking her down when she opines that you can fight off disease bu absorbing the life energy of fresh food in a biology exam. However, her art teacher (who is a good Freemason) loves and praises her creativity and open mind, and encourages her to be everything she can be.

At some point, our heroine finds an English translation of the Necronomicon in the school library and gets interested in it. Ethnic third wheel thinks he can impress her with a family heirloom, which is a copy in the original Arabic. When he shows it to her, he reads a few words aloud, and suddenly atmospheric disturbances happen, all the power goes out, and scientists notice crazy things going on in the Pacific Ocean.

The next day, several new, incredibly good-looking students start school. They are, of course, the Outer Gods that were sealed in R’lyeh, in teenage human form. Lead among them is the handsome, dark, brooding Cthulhu, who our heroine immediately takes a shine to and tries to bring out of His shell. Remembering Idh-yaa, He tries to push her away, even revealing a glimpse of His true form; however, our heroine isn’t fazed, and looks past that to see the warmth in His heart. He gradually comes to accept her and warms up, but knows that if They ever have sex, He will have to drop His human form completely, and that will cause her to die of insanity.

Nyarlathotep discovers that the Outer Gods have revived and plots to obliterate them in one fell swoop using some sort of awesome orbital weapon because he also controls NASA. This fires a huge ball of energy at Earth where our heroes are; however, they manage to cast some sort of magic which sends the attack somewhere (or rather somewhen else), saving the day for everybody.

Or does it? In fact, the portal sent the blast back to 65,000,000 BCE, where it wiped out the dinosaurs. However, a few Tyrannosauruses came through the portal and go on a rampage through Small Town, USA (Note: I don’t care how much else of this you use, but please include Tyrannosauruses rampaging through Small Town, USA). It’s up to our heroes and the Mi-Go allies they have acquired by this point to save the day from the dinosaurs while also defeating Nyarlathotep’s machinations and reconciling Cthulhu with His parents.

Oh, and Cthulhu really hates his cultists.
I hereby place this post in the public domain.

If you do make use of it, I would appreciate being mentioned or credited in some way, but I’m OK if you don’t.

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