What your argument against marriage equality says about you

Like most reasonable people, I firmly believe in the importance of treating gay people as second-class citizens. But did you know that the specific arguments you use to counter the foul spectres of equality and social justice can actually reveal aspects of your personality? It’s true! Here I’ve gathered some of the most popular arguments against marriage equality, and translated them into honest sentiment.

What you say What you mean
“Children have a right to a mother and father” “I oppose homosexuality on Biblical grounds, but I need to persuade non-priests somehow.”
“Children have a right to know their biological parents.” “I oppose homosexuality on Biblical grounds, and am grasping at straws. Please don’t mention heterosexual adoption.”
“The Constitution clearly defines marriage as being between a man and a woman.” “I hate homosexuals and believe circular arguments are totally valid.”
“We can’t redefine marriage.” “I am just being conservative for the sake of being conservative. I also have no idea how democracy or language work, and am utterly ignorant about cultures outside post-Roman Europe.”
“I’m just defending traditional marriage.” “I oppose homosexuality on Biblical grounds and have no good secular argument for my position, but people seem to support tradition.”
“Éamonn de Valera/Michael Collins/Douglas Hyde/Contance Markiewicz/the Founding Fathers wouldn’t want marriage equality.” “In a democratic republic, the opinions of the living as to the laws they wish to live under are of less importance than those of one group of dead men which completely agree with my own because I say so.”
“Marriage is an institution explicitly for the purpose of raising children; this is impossible in a same-sex marriage.” “I have no idea what marriage is actually about, but I know we have to keep it away from gay people.”
“A civil partnership is enough for same-sex couples; there is no need for them to have marriage.” “I don’t know why Martin Luther King was so upset about being separate but equal.”
“Marriage equality will lead to polygamy.” “I have no idea what the laws regarding marriage are like in Muslim countries.”
“Marriage equality will lead to acceptance of paedophilia.” “I am an idiot.”
“This is a Christian country, so marriage should be based on the Bible.” “I have never actually read the Bible and I hope you haven’t either.”
“The media is constantly shoving homosexuality down our throats.” “I complain about social justice warriors unironically.”
“God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve or Madam and Eve.” “I am a creationist.”
“Same-sex ‘marriage’ can never be equal to true heterosexual marriage, so we can’t allow people of the same sex to make the same commitment.” “I am a homophobe and I’m not even trying to hide it.”
“The Bible clearly states that homosexuality is a sin.” “I oppose homosexuality on Biblical grounds, and respect you enough to be honest about my reason.”

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One thought on “What your argument against marriage equality says about you

  1. Good read as always Chris, but I have to disagree with your translation of “This is a Christian country, so marriage should be based on the Bible.” The way I see it, it means “I am part of the majority, so that I will use this to force my opinion on others”.
    Also, I wouldn’t bring Social Justice Warriors into it. A lot of them tend to be angry types who hide behind a cause bigger themselves to bash their opinions onto others and treat them like crap. Though a lot of that is on Tumblr, where you can identify as anything you want (a wolf, a sixteenth gender, a mollusc) short of master race and they will accept you for it blindly. Except for straight white men. They can die screaming as far as Tumblr cares.
    I would also like to ask how come never tried to propose banning marriage altogether. The LGBT crowd have equal rights; they’re happy. The homophobes don’t have to fret about the LGBT crowd marrying; they’re happy. And I don’t have to hear all the inane arguments and “special” snowflakes (Emphasis on flake) going on about equality like they are more concerned with winning brownie points by bible-bashing/looking liberal than they are about the actual debate; I win. We all know where my priorities lie 😉

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